29 September, 2013

Suck It Up (no proofread/edit)


From reading my previous 2 posts, I realized how pessimistic I am! I didn't really mean to come out all depressed...

OOPS.

But those feelings were valid. I actually handpicked those words and made sure I meant what I wrote. :)

Oh I love crafting.

I love myself. It's to the point close ppl think I am the most confident, nearly conceited, arrogant bitch in the world. But this is what I tell myself: If I don't love myself, who will? I should be the one who love and treasure my inner and outer parts, my everything. I won't say I am extremely confident in my looks, but I do care about my values and integrity. I want to make sure that isn't compromised to the point I lose myself.

 I am always flexible. But if I have to bend over backwards to meet your expectations, that stretch is going to pain and break my back. (seriously!)

And who are you to say i can't think this way about myself? To love oneself is a beautiful thing. Nobody should tell you otherwise.

***

With that said, I need to take care of myself more. I sometimes think I am too focus on what I do. For example, when I study, I forget to eat. It's frustrating. People just don't understand that this is something I have been battling throughout my life. This is a bad habit! Even my doctors tried to cure me (well..tried being the keyword). And when I have people say suck it up, it really hurts.

It's like asking an anorexic person to start eating oil and fats coz they are unhealthy and the person should just suck it up.

It's like asking a depressed person to just stop feeling sad coz life is good and optimistic. so just suck it up.

Less apathy, more empathy, please.


People will always have their immature tendencies, even when they turn 30. It's part of understanding yourself versus adapting to social norms.

You def. have control over many parts of yourself, but you cannot control others. So don't bother trying. I live by my own standards and I know what I want. Demanding me to improve versus advising me to improve is different.

Funny how the closest people in my life can bring about rampant bouts of anger, frustration, yet a clearer path towards becoming a better person.

Thank you~




05 June, 2013

perfection

I actually spent an hour reading this:
http://mystaphstory.blogspot.fr/
Amazing.
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Something my facebook friend wrote on her status scared me.
She said she lost hope in blogging. It had became a responsibility to her and it is not fun anymore.

Finally, I felt I am not alone.

I also feel burdened to blog at times. But it isn't like this blog is popular or anything.

I think I'm scared of being imperfect.

It is an issue I have discussed with a career counselor. I did not even know of this until he diagnosed my problem from my word choice/syntax during conversations, my lofty aspirations, and perhaps, from my worries and issues that probably sounded stupid and minute to him.

I suppose admitting to a problem is the beginning of healing. I am scared of putting out new content because I am never satisfied with what I wrote.

But, isn't writing more of a process than reaching for a result? (unless you're churning out textbooks, but those are also part of a "process," since newer editions come out ALL THE TIME)

I mean, with all these prolific composers churning out skilled works, do they dislike their past works? Did Beethoven think his symphony no.7 is better than no. 5? Like..HMM I should've inserted an extra measure here...DARN IT it has been set! Now it won't be as expressive!


I expressed my views to my facebook friend, in which I hope she took it to heart and kept blogging.
I understand it is easier said than done, as I am still coping with this issue.

Years ago, I was an idiotic high schooler, who viewed blogging as an outlet to vent. I had moved away from my hometown and I wanted to keep in touch with my friends.

When I was in undergrad, I blogged occasionally to dramatize and chronicle my stressed-life. Seriously, was I really that stressed back then? Reading my old "I am stressed" posts made me realized how tired I was. Do I really want to subjugate myself to this type of environment again? Was attaining a Ph'D really what I desire?

Now, going to grad school. I am so excited. Yet, I have to take care of my health once again. I will be interacting and meeting with new people. I hope that I won't disappoint anyone, and most importantly, myself.

I am still trying to battle with the notion of perfection. Some say being true to yourself is already what constitutes as perfection. Others argue there is no such thing as perfection--we are all flawed, and we do not need to aspire for something we cannot attain. Is perfection also subjective? Like beauty?
When we give a presentation, your advisor/teacher might make high marks, give a 100% as a grade, but was that "perfection?" On paper, it meets all the ideals of being "perfect" based on the prescribed guidelines, but deep down, you know there is plenty of room for improvement. I should've researched more, should not have injected the "um" or "uh" word fillers. Maybe the content did not really meet the prompt, but oh well, close enough.

Perhaps this is a discourse of expectation: Is it better to live wanting higher expectations? Or have low expectations, and whatever you have achieved over that is a plus?
In the end, Isn't the "expectation" just a baseline we use to compare our results against our pre-set goals?


Terrible. This farce is going to last a lot longer than I thought. Too bad when I attempt to discuss this with my mother, she thinks I am saying stupid, dumb, useless things. Maybe I am.


09 April, 2013

Thoughts Dump



Sometimes I feel I should put a bit more thought into this blog. After all, this blog has seen me at my best and has helped me at my worst.

I think I started this blog way back in 2004-5, because I thought it would be a great place to say things I could not say, write things I never had the opportunity to...write.

Although this blog has gotten me in trouble a few times, at least I witnessed the power of screaming and shouting through the internet.

When writing, I always question my grammar: Is this right? wrong? Is there subject-verb agreement? Past/present participles? clauses? prepositions? My biggest problem lies with unclear pronouns.

OH MY GOSH. I get very worked up...(insecurities)

I wish I have an in-house editor

 I'm not suited for writing. I am one lousy writer.

I'm an "amateur" writer.

(lol)

BUT. this is my blog, my expression, my way of putting my feet on the ground and staking a claim in cyber-field. I know I will be pelted with onyx stones in the name of poor-attempt-at-writing. Until then, let me have my last word~

Maybe, I wanted to keep in touch with people I have met. I have only shown some of my friends this blog, so if they...happen to remember me, remember my name, remember I have a blog, they can search this up and update themselves.
---
Lots of things changed, and lots have also happened.

Since 2012: 
1) I completed my undergraduate education
2) Traveled to visit family in China
3) Did some yoga (I am absolute terrible at this, but I gave props to myself for trying)
4) Write in my journals, drew, did some artsy stuff that I am too embarrassed to show
5) Practiced my chinese instruments (then forget what I practiced on and must start over)
6) Practiced singing (oh my god. seriously?)
7) Sat at a beach and did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
8) Broke out in cheek acne (?!?!)
9) Pulled all-nighters for 3 nights, then waking up at 4pm everyday after that
.....

I did not hangout with anyone. I just sat, contemplated about life, relaxed. I'm sorry, I needed this. I needed this down time. It's not you it's me.

Excuses. The truth is I gotz no $$$ ok? Cannot hangout like back in college, alright? Poor ah, so for real..excuse me!

NOW, 2013:

Finally, I decided to go back to school.

This time as a graduate student. I'm excited and apprehensive, but I knew this is the right choice. It just felt...right.

Cheers and hopefully I might update sometime in the near future

xoxo
jes





30 November, 2012

Thoughts. Reflectivity

Note: Waking up at 4pm, sleeping at 6am. for 2 weeks straight. This is amazing. 
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Blog of the day: 

www.dramabeans.com 

Yes. I am so lazy, I rather read episode recaps than watch the drama...The writers do such an amazing job. Sometimes, I watch the episode first, then compare with the recaps: pretty accurate! I like reading commentary/critiques, which makes this site even more entertaining for me

The day (or the eve of) lunar new year 2012, I was in my friend's car. He was dropping my friend and I off our respective dorms/apartments, since it is dangerous for girls to walk back at night. After my girlfriend was dropped off. I got into a sad girl-pms bitchfit...about how this year will be one of my sad-depressing years. 

I told him how this year just won't be the same. Mostly because I feel there will be restrictions placed upon me. I might lose people I care about. I might, under some circumstances, forgo friendships for the sake of mediating with my mental health (lol..dramatic much)...MEANING: My post-graduation years will be filled with self-reflectivity, meditation, trips to the temples, much needed rest from the craziness of partying, socializing, irregularity. 

He told me along the lines of: don't worry about it. 

But I do! I cried and threw a hissyfit during commencement. I even cried 2 hours before, dousing myself with foundation and thick eyeliner. I even cried the next day, after realizing the life I had over the past 4 years, came to a halting end. 

Even worse, I can't even full-heartedly accept the Congrats and You're Awesome(s) from many of my peers. I apologize! 

Now that I think about it, I am glad I took this Post-grad break. I am glad my mom can't stand me moping around and sent me with her to Macau. I am glad my cousins were able to help me overcome some of my sadness that I am feeling deep inside 

Thank you Thank you Thank you! For all your help and encouragement, my dear friends and family. I will definitely work hard, and make you all proud! 
My mom told me that cell phone numbers can foretell your luck! She said my cell phone number sucks! That's why I am so depressed all the time. She even called up Verizon to ask if she can change it and they told her no u cannot lah! (LOL) So I told her don't worry we will get nice new phone and nice new numbers next year! 

I have no idea where she checks this cell phone number fortune stuff...it's probably those chinese websites (sina? weibo? ..)